Tonite I made Pea & CowHam soup. It's an imaginative dish I came up with once when I realized Corned beef and baconstock were cheaper than smoked ham bones.
Geoff and I sat down to our delicious hot meal, him sitting infront of the computer and myself on the bed watching Big Bang Theory. Now it's been a minor issue for some time now that the front audio port on my computer is patchy, but works reasonably well so long as nobody touches the cable. Halfway through our show Geoff accidently touched the cable and the sound wavered and went out. We looked at each other, deep concern etched in our faces. Leaning down Geoff attempted to correct the issue with no success.
"you can't just shove it in and out like that." I said and continued with "You have to be gentle with it, caress it lovingly"
Geoff paused and looked up at me removing the jack from it's port.
"We are going to have to go in the back!"
The fumbling continued as he reached around the back of the machine. His face was that of deep concerntration as he explored clumsily, like a 13 year old boy who managed to get the fat girl to take off her pants at the back of the gymnasium.
"I can't find the right hole" he exclaimed. "Its really tight back here."
"Here let me have a look" I leaned down behind the machine, finally plugging the audio in it's rightful place. "you had it in the wrong hole"
I'm glad nobody overheard...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
It has occurred to me, that I may be blogging about entirely the wrong things. Skimming through other blogs for ideas I came to the realization that Im an awful fucking arsehole. Amongst the Blogs I trolled through there were many on cooking, families, poetry, adventures so on and so fourth ad nausea until you throw yourself fon the ground in a fit of happiness and goodness and throw up sugar and small lumps of rainbows.
Then I came across this one particular blog, and what first struck me was the title.
'Loves freeway'
"geesus!" I thought "could this blog be about the womans vagina?" but as I read on I was much less impressed.
"Where Love has its way. Think convertible, wind through the hair, not a care in the world. No traffic, no tolls, no wrong turns: velocity, in a word. Oh, and the scenery: spectacular! And yeah, there's a destination, but who really wants this joy ride to end?"
Clearly by this blogs description the woman fancies herself a philosopher, and like all philosophers they like to throw around big scientific words that dont actually relate to what they are saying like 'velocity' When Im looking for an interesting Blog to read and the description starts with 'where love has its way' I want to kill myself. If theres one thing I cant stand its air headed lovey dovey people. You might think im just being cynical and if thats the case, go read her blog not mine.
now...'think convertable' the problem with this is when I think of 'convertables' I think of mid life cysis', sun cancer, hair in my face and mouth and decapitation. Now I think I may need to do this woman a favour and explain to her the scientific meaning of velocity. Velocity is defined as the rate of change of position. It is a vector physical quantity; both speed and direction are required to define it (wiki, and every Physics textbook ever printed) but according to this woman it has been redefined to be some measure of trafffic conditions.
The scenery is most definitely dull especially if the driver IS decapitated. This woman is delusional, and probably joined the mailing list for people against the activation of the Large Hadron collider because the earth spirits don't like it, or say that we are all going to be sucked into a black hole and die.
A man walks up to the counter. Foremost I am hit with the overpowering aroma of his aftershave. It stinks like the ground up sweat of small boys. After the initial shock of his pungent after-shavey wall of doom I am struck by his hideous face. The short, fat man scratches at himself through his outdated Hawaiian shirt. Is that a stye in his left eye? he places a new copy of final cut on the counter, fumbling it between his fat sausage fingers endowed with 5kg of jewel encrusted gold.
is this man:
a) going home to string together a montage of family footage to the sounds of Jeff Buckley so that he can send it to aunt erma overseas who will be simply delighted to see how much little billy has grown
b) edit and sell bootleg DVDs
c) edit his daughters wedding video for her, omitting certain parts that may incriminate her in any future court proceedings
d) edit and sell footage of little boys naked.
the correct answer in my opinion is d. (but Im willing to concede it could be b.)
When a man comes into my store, and required better quality editing software I know he is making pornographic films. Probably involving children.
Now you may be thinking 'Sarah, you have no right to be making such assumptions, he could be a professional video editor or some kind of wedding photographer' my answer to you is no. I know what film editors look like and its not a 50 year old balding man who is sweaty and over weight. Why? because professional video editors come from Hollywood and everyone in Hollywood looks fabulous. Fact.
If you are a 50 year old sweaty balding man with a heart condition and a gum leg, and you enjoy editing family movies then by all means, defend yourself and drop me a line.
The other give away if the fact that the software commonly purchased is to edit high definition video. WHO shoots movies on high definition video cameras? who in their right mind purchases a high definition camera to record little billys ballet recital. Nobody, but when its time for Billy to take a bath, then that makes the HD camera an investment!
Today I was listening in on a particularly difficult conversation Chris was having with a female customer while I milled around and neatened stock. Apparently there was some confusion as to how much ram her macbook needed added to it.
as I walked past them she asked Chris: "So whats the difference between 3g memory and 2g memory?"
and without missing a beat I replied "1g"
The look I got would have stripped paint but it was worth it.
Sometimes there are people in our lives who always manage to make us smile. Coincidentally enough these people are often the source of much frustration. This is Bonzo. Bonzo is one of those friends who just manages to be funny.
There are some curious things about Bonzo I dont think I will ever understand, for instance: where does his fetish for brightly coloured or oddly shaped sunglasses come from? why is he so baffled by sparkly or brightly coloured objects? Is he an insect? who knows! also...why does he throw the pool chair off of the balcony every time he drinks?
I like to think that this picture sums up Bonzo perfectly, and yes that is a knitted monkey on his head.
You know when you live with other humans, how the kitchen seems to be the 'meeting place'? I dont know where this tradition comes from, possibly its some instinct dating back to days when tribes would gather around a 'watering hole'. Now days you wander into the kitchen and find that housemate you havent seen for days and was starting to think may have died behind the couch.
A few nights ago Geoff and I wandering into the kitchen to make french toast (because that what responsible people our age eat for dinner) and Bonzo also happened to wander in.
Therein followed an extremely entertaining conversation and I was left with this one particular quote:
"Faceshots are okay...but as long as the girl looks like she is having fun" Apparently Bonzo only enjoys Porn where everybody looks like they are having a good time!
This conversation was if I remember correctly fueled by me voicing my absolute disdain for cold body fluids. I may have been referring to saliva but of course the conversation turned to cold semen... as I sat on the bench eating my nice warm french toast.
more often than not it's my manager Chris who says stupid things. He probably doesnt even realise i write them down. The things he says regularly make my day worth while.
A week after I started working for the company, another guy my age started also. Because our stores location was so quiet we were both sent there to be trained by chris, and we were taught and shaped by him.
during a training session:
Chris: "So guys, when you transfer an order.............SHIT!?"
*Chris runs away clutching a laptop box*
Andrew: "I dont think he meant that literally"
Chris: "If an enema were to be inserted into society...that woman would be the entry point!" - his opinion on a particularly difficult female customer
Chris finally snaps:
"You know what!? one day Im going to walk into a store, ignore the sales person and then when they look like they are busy with something walk up to them and say "Oh HI! IM not actually going to BUY anything but I just want to come in here and ignore everything you say forcibly drop your IQ by atleast 20 points, and then talk to you incessantly while you try to do things, DESTROY your store, mess everything up and then leave without saying anything!?!?!?"
You know what I don't get? young people are are technologically dumb. My fucking mother could back up files onto an external drive and she is 49. So when young people call up and waste my time with their stupidity I lose a little more faith in society. I'm also ashamed to admit they are usually female.
stupid girl: "So how do I backup my data?"
me: "Do you have an external hard drive at home?"
stupid girl: " ummmm..... *thinks for a ridiculous amount of time* no."
me: "okay well if you buy one you can just copy all of your files onto it"
stupid girl: "oh...okay...like...so...how do I know when I've backed up?"
me: " *stunned silence* well... when you recall copying your files over onto the other drive moments earlier?"
stupid girl: "oh....so...how big does my external need to be?"
me: "well how big is the hard drive in your computer?"
stupid girl: "ummm....err... *long silence* cant you tell me?"
This kid walked into work with this weird...smug look on his face, and played with the imacs for a good hour. I had no idea what the hell his damage was until I realised what was on his shirt. SO I took a photo of him while he was looking at himself in photobooth! sucker...
My manager Chris is probably the best manager anyone could ever ask for. He seems to get just as frustrated at peoples stupidity as me and since we can both laugh about it, it makes my job tolerable. I often enjoy overhearing Chris helping customers on the phone because despite the fact that I can only hear one side of the conversation I can almost see his brain dribbling out of his ear.
Chris: "So what kind of computer do you have....*long silence*...yes I assumed it was a Mac"
At work we have a guy Peter who calls the store sometimes 10 times a day. Everyone who has worked at our store is very familiar with peter. He is extremely intelligent and I guess he just has nobody to talk to. He is a lovely polite and well mannered gentleman but is as my father would say 'as man as a cut snake'.
Every day Peter seems to have something new to tell you about. His favourite topics include Philosophy and Politics. He doesn't beat around the bush and as soon as you answer the phone he starts talking. Everything he says makes perfect sense except for the fact that it doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything. My favourite Peter quote to date is the following:
"Affluence is good...but you don't want to get the flu!" - Peter (the serial caller)
You may notice that I'm posting a whole heap of stuff today. its because I'm moving everything i have done previously here in one go. Don't judge me, but while I have you here I might just add that if you ever think to yourself "fuck it, boiling the kettle is hard work, and the water that comes out of my tap is pretty hot anyway, ill just put that in my powdered mash potato" don't do it. The texture will be all wrong.
Today I was unfortunate enough to answer the phone. More often than not its people wanting some sort of complete 'Apple solution' over the phone. Seriously, do you call a car dealer and say "I want a car?" NO! you walk your lazy Volvo loving arse in there and look at what they have to offer!
Mr Wonderful: "Well... I work with the stock market a lot so I am going to need lots of screen"
me: "Lots of screen? umm... the 24" imacs have a lovely big LED screen built into them now"
Mr Wonderful: "How big is it?"
Me: "....24inch"
Mr Wonderful: "No that's not going to be big enough. I told you, I play the stock market so I need two really big screens so that I can buy and sell really fast!"
You know what I hate about Apple? their customers. i have worked for Apple for 7 months now and I blame their customers for the permanent twitch in my left eye and the 20IQ points I have lost forever.
In all fairness the reason Apples customers are pompous, demanding twits is most likely because Apple likes to lead people to believe that their products are the most reliable things on the planet. I wish I had some form of compensation for every time a customer has stormed in with the shits and said "But its an Apple! Why is it broken!?" newsflash! that's probably WHY its broken.
So when I'm not too busy trying to kill myself with the cable of my keyboard (which I have never been successful in doing because the standard cables that come on an Apple keyboard are so fucking short that Steve Jobs couldn't even fit it around his cock) I take the time to write down some of the stupid shit that goes on at work.
So why work there? I see you thinking (I also smell colours) well 7 months ago I sent out canvassing letters to all the the computer repair stores in my area looking for work because I was sick to death of working for McDonald's (a topic I'm sure I will get to at some point) the only place to call me in for an interview was this particular store. Ecstatic about the interview I said to my boyfriend at the time (who not so long ago accidentally brutally stabbed himself in the left testicle while typing an assignment and died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital after I attempted to help him remove it with some rather sharp kitchen knives...god bless his soul)
"I got an interview at [company name]"
"Isn't that...an apple store?" He replied.
then I gagged and went pale as the full realisation of what I had inadvertently done hit me.
and now i work for Apple................
honestly, I rocked up at the interview and said "I build PC's" and I was hired.
SO...Do I own a Mac?, no. Do I won an iPhone, yes and every day itunes makes me want to die. What a piece of shit, but again this is a rant for another day and another time.
i am well aware that a profile is for telling people about myself but since this is my first blog I figured 'hey!' why not kick things off by starting at the start... so to speak.
So why a blog?
Alot of silly things happen in my life no matter how mundane it would appear at first glance. Being a female astrophysics student can alone be entertaining, but working for the most evil empire on earth, Apple I have found myself so many times coming home and saying to my cat Schrodinger "Oh Schro this customer today WHAT an arsehole" and Schrodinger suggested that I make a blog, and share with the world both my triumphs over human stupidity and my failings at making the world a better place (nuclear holocaust where everybody dies a terrible terrible death except me, who will build a metropolis with robots, and yes Geoff you *may* be involved in this plan but only because you enjoy post nuclear things so very much, and only while you make yourself useful)
Whooo aaaare yooooooou?
I am an Astrophysics student. Most girls wake up one day, some coins and a small bird fall out of their ear and they scream "I WANT TO BE A HAIRDRESSER!" not me. I woke up one morning, twitched a little (a twitch that has developed substantially since working for Apple) and understood mathematics. As a result I went to my parents and announced "I want to be an astrophysicist" they stared at me blankly, then gave each other that 'she will get over it in a week' look and carried on with their lives. really, my love of space and the unknown started when I was a teenager and my father took me to the Parkes Radio Telescope.
So here I am, living alone with my cat surrounded by calculus text books, and a myriad of figurines. I am a huge scifi fan and probably the biggest xfiles fan on the face of the earth. Sure...I play World of Warcraft but i like to think that makes me worldly...
Im a unique girl and I like to think I see the world in a unique way that I hope to share here. Not because i want to reach millions of people, but simply for my own entertainment and happiness.
